Season 4 - Episode 6 - Interview with Eden Fieldstone

Welcome to another episode of the Wise Not Withered podcast! We are in Season 4, Episode 6. This month's guest was Eden Fieldstone, whom I met at a retreat where I met quite a few people who have been and will be featured on this podcast! Eden is multi-faceted, as she will go into, with two very different careers that she holds simultaneously. She talked a lot about her relationship with her own children, and I really appreciated her warmth, humor, and rawness in some of the topics she talked about.

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All right! So is it Eden Fieldstone?

Mhm.

Okay. Thank you for joining us on the Wise Not Withered Podcast! What is your age?

49.

49, excellent. That’s my dad’s favorite number! Where did you grow up? And where do you live now?

I grew up in Toronto, and I still live in Toronto.

Okay. Have you lived there your whole life?

Lived? Yeah… Pretty much.

Nice. Have you visited other places too?

Oh yeah. Of course, of course. I went to Brazil three times. I’ve been to Egypt. Yeah. Obviously, the United States.

Brazil—why three times?

Oh, cause I have friends down there. And it’s my favorite country. I love the culture. I feel very at home there. I feel more at home there than here.

Oh, why’s that?

People are so… Emotional! (Laughs) They’re very free with their emotions, they’re very free with their emotions, they’re very friendly, they’re very warm. They’re just… I feel like they’re very natural. Like there isn’t… How to explain it. Like they’re just very affectionate, warm people. We’re not here. Yeah.

Okay, interesting. When was the first time you went to Brazil?

2011?

And every time just to visit friends?

Yeah. But I was sheltered there. I wouldn’t go there by myself. I generally don’t… Generally, when I travel, I’m visiting someone I know. I like being on the inside. I don’t like being a tourist.

Makes sense.

You know what I mean? So I’m also taken care of—I don’t worry about getting robbed. Brazilian people are generally not coming around you with those intentions. So yeah, that’s basically how I like to travel. My friend lives in Bermuda, and I might go visit her. But if I didn’t have a friend in Bermuda, I wouldn’t go, necessarily. I like to travel where I know somebody, and I’m visiting.

Have you been a tourist somewhere?

Yeah! For sure, Cuba… I don’t like all-inclusive resorts. And I went when I was really young—I was 20. I went to Italy by myself. And I felt so isolated! Cause I couldn’t speak the language. It was different, culturally. I had a very hard time communicating. And I think that maybe changed how I travel.

Oh, okay. So that was a turning point in the way you approach traveling.

Yeah. It was very isolating. I felt isolated.

Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, so switching gears a little bit, what is or was your relationship with your mother like?

Oh my god… Very complicated. My mother well, is—she’s still alive… But, younger… She wasn’t, in my opinion, equipped to be a mother. I don’t think she wanted to be a mother. There’s a lack of nurturing… So… It took me maybe until I was a mother, for me to let go of needing her to be a mother to me.

Hm.

Yeah. I perceive her more like my biological mother. I interact with her, but it’s always… I don’t go to her for emotional support, or like typical things you go to your mother for. I don’t do that with her. I’m glad I have a daughter. I feel that heals me a lot, that I can have the relationship I craved with my mother. I have it with my daughter.

Yeah, that was gonna be the next question, how did it affect your relationship with your children? So…

That I don’t do what she does. I don’t… I’m there for them, emotionally. Yeah.

Yeah. Interesting. What do you do for a living?

Two things! Right now, I’m a professor of Critical Thinking, under the umbrella of English. And I’ve been a belly dancer for twenty-five years. Yeah!

How did you get into the teaching first, and then the dancing?

The teaching came from the belly dancing.

Oh, really!

Cause… Yeah. I never set out to teach. Belly dance, that was my career. And then I danced so much that I injured myself. A few times. And it debilitated me. Cause it was my only source of income, so I would over-dance. And I had to do something else, something that wasn’t with my body. So I took this course, teaching English as a second language. And I kind of fell into all of this… I don’t teach that anymore. I teach like, critical thinking, literature, stuff like that. Yeah!

Yeah, very different things! How do you, I guess balance your identities? And like… I remember at the retreat, you said some of you students found your belly dancing page?

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I just deal with it! They’re both parts of me. I’m really academic. And I’m really artistic. Like I’m both. I would feel unbalanced if I weren’t involved in one of them.

Interesting. And I’m curious how that affects like, your mothering as well. Like, do your children… You have a daughter. Do you have other kids as well?

I have a daughter and a son.

Okay. How old are they?

My daughter is 7, my son is 10.

And do you talk to them about your belly dancing, or your teaching?

Yeah! All the time.

What is that like?

It’s normal to them. They come watch me dance. They’ve come to my work, teaching. They haven’t watched me teach. But they… It’s just normal. They hate that I’m on the computer a lot—that’s where I have to mark and everything… But yeah. It’s just normal for them.

Yeah, okay. Interesting. And what brings you the most joy on a daily basis?

I think it’s feeling connected to other people. Good conversation… Yeah. Very simple! Hugging my kids… Watching their free spirits. Being outside in nature.

How are your kids similar to you? And how are they different from you?

Well it’s funny… With my son, on an aesthetic level, I can pick apart every feature of who he looks like, of which family member. My kids have my hair color, both of them, and they have my jaw line. And my smile. And he has my sensitivity, and he’s definitely an empath. And he’s got that about me… My daughter has a rebellious side to her, which… She doesn’t like rules. Very much like me—when I was fifteen. She’s very feisty! (Laughs)

So yeah, that’s how they’re like me! They’re both very affectionate. Yeah.

Is that also like you?

Yeah, I’m very affectionate with them, so I guess they kind of picked it up from me. (Laughs)

Nice! What do you do to unwind or recharge after a long day, or long week?

That’s very hard for me to do. I have to physically leave my house. I mean, I love my children, but I cannot recharge or unwind around them. I have to physically remove myself from my house. Sometimes it’s going for a drive, sometimes… I don’t get many opportunities to do that. But whatever I’m doing, it has to be away from the home. Too many responsibilities, too many energies pulling on me in there… Yeah, definitely… Seeing a friend or something like that. Just has to be, unfortunately… I can’t unwind around my children.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, yeah…

Aside from work and family obligations, what other hobbies and interests do you have?

I like reading novels. Again, I just like being in nature. I don’t know, belly dancing isn’t a hobby, but it’s something I do enjoy. I like exercising. Those kinds of things.

So you said you started your career in belly dancing. Did you start it just as a hobby and then it became a career?

Yeah.

What was that transition like? At what point did you think, “Oh, I can do this as a career!”?

Well I took classes for like three years. Then I started doing amateur shows in groups. Then I was in a dance company. And then I just… Went out to places that hire belly dancers. And I just got hired! That was it! It was very simple. It was like, the easiest job ever. It’s the best job. I get paid to dance. I really couldn’t ask for anything better. Yeah. So.

Yeah, and what kind of gigs do you do? Do you dance at clubs? Or solo shows? Group stuff?

Everything. But I don’t do—sorry for my yawning—I don’t do stags. I don’t do anything that’s all men. Because then they get other ideas. But no, weddings, anniversaries, baby showers—you name it. Birthday parties. Anything that’s celebratory. Yeah. That’s what I do. As long as it’s not a stag kind of thing.

Stag? Like S-T-A-G? And that means all men?

And it’s usually men who… Like for a guy who’s getting married, and he’s gonna have his one last hurrah.

Oh! Like a bachelor party!

They often hire strippers and stuff like that. I don’t go to things like that. They have a… Generally, they have a different expectation. I don’t do that kind of dancing!

Yeah, makes sense! Okay. What has been one of the biggest challenges that you’ve faced and overcome?

Giving birth.

Yeah.

I had both of my children naturally, with no drugs. My son was 44 hours. And after 30 hours, I only dilated one centimeter. I had a doula, I had my husband. It was hard! It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life! I could not have done it without all that support around me. But I feel like… I’m not disparaging women who haven’t had natural childbirth at all. But for me, it was a rite of passage. It made me stronger. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I wanted to crawl out of my body. It was excruciating. I could feel my hip bones separating.

Oof.

I was shaking… I was in shock for a week after I gave birth to my son. Yeah, it was physically, mentally… It was exhausting. It hurt, so much. And I couldn’t escape it. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done! (Laughs) There was like… I didn’t feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It felt like I was being tortured for 44 hours. And then finally, he came. Yeah, that was the hardest thing… To not go to the hospital and not get an epidural. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Yeah. Why did you choose to not do that?

Because… When you’re paralyzed. You’re completely disconnected. Your body… They tell you when to push in the hospital. That’s not the way… Your body pushes when… There’s no control. Your body just will push. There’s no mental… There’s nothing that you can control when you’re in a natural state of giving birth. Your body completely takes over. So… It’s just healthier. It’s everything. You’re disconnected. You’re completely disconnected. It’s like nothing is going on. But it’s the biggest thing going on. And then you have nurses telling you to push. How does the nurse know when my body wants to push? She’s not in my body. Yeah… I was afraid I was going to blow my back. Honestly, I just didn’t want anything to do with it. At the time, I was like, “Give me the epidural…” It was brutal. But my doula and my husband were not letting that happen. And I appreciate it now, for sure. Yeah.

And then three years later you gave birth to your daughter?

Yeah.

And was that a similar experience?

No. I gave birth to her by myself, in my house. Cause the midwife didn’t show up… So that was different.

Wow…!

Yeah, she slept through the pager. So I called 9-1-1, and she was like half out of me when 9-1-1 answered, and then the fire department was in my room. The paramedics were in my room… It was crazy. The midwife wasn’t there.

Wow.

My daughter was fine. It was quite something. Yeah. But she came twice as fast as my son, and it was half the pain. And I knew what I was doing. So I just was like, “I’m done with this. I hate being pregnant.” And I just gave birth to her. And that was it! I was done with it. I was like, “I’ve had it!” Finished! Yeah.

Wow… You mentioned like, a mental challenge. So it wasn’t as much of that with your daughter.

No. Not at all.

Okay. Interesting.

I think the first… Well for me, I only have two, so I can’t… But it’s understood that the first is the hardest, and then it gets easier, and easier… Yeah.

Yeah. Interesting… I’m just thinking about what it must have been like for my mom…

It’s hard. But… You know, it really strengthens you as a person. Just having to go through that, and coming out the other side. It’s definitely a rite of passage, for sure.

Yeah. And then how about just, raising your kids? What has been challenging about… Now that they are their own, little person? (Laughs)

Sleep deprivation. As you can see, I’m yawing all the time… Trying to manage work and children. You know, their needs. It’s always their needs. Always about them. Which is fine, cause that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Just… Kind of like… For me, cause I put so much into them… It’s hard to give to myself. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the time. But it’s important.

My challenge as a mother has been, how do I nurture them, and give them the opportunities to fulfill whatever dreams that they have? And then, carve out the same space for myself. Which, I still… It hasn’t happened. I’m trying to write a novel. I can’t write the thing. Because between work and my kids, I have no time. Yeah. So it’s definitely a challenge. And I think the less economic means you have, the harder it is.

Right.

I don’t have someone coming to my house. No one’s coming to my house, cleaning my house, cooking my meals for me… So there’s a lot of domestic work that I have to do. So there isn’t free time for myself. And it’s not good. I don’t know how to navigate around it.

Yeah… How did you find BWA?

Just some Facebook ad!

What drew you to it?

Just what Leslie was talking about, how your outer world is a reflection of your inner world… And how talk therapy doesn’t change your inner drive, I guess? That’s not the right word, but I can’t remember her phrasing, to be honest. But it was that kind of idea that drew me to it. Yeah.

Has it changed your life, do you think?

Changed my life? No. I wouldn’t say it’s changed my life. I think that I am more grounded. I don’t spin out, to the extent that I used to. So I mean, there’s a change. But it hasn’t changed my whole life. Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah. It’s not like a… Super huge kind of ground-breaking…

Yeah, I just feel more grounded. I feel like if things don’t go the way I want it or expect it, or it hurts, or whatever… I kind of just… Well, maybe this is for the best, and I lean into it. Embrace things more. I have a little more faith… That the universe is here to help. I don’t know. Do you know what I mean? There’s more of a groundedness.

Mhm.

Yeah, I check my mind stories a lot.

Yeah.

I don’t let myself go… I try to not let myself get sucked… I recognize when I’m getting sucked into someone’s energy. And I can pull away… Yeah.

Yeah, you mentioned the spinning out. Is that what you meant? Getting sucked into things…

Yeah, or just like… You know, just spinning out, like, “Oh the future… And this… And that…” That kind of stuff.

Mhm. Like, being trapped in that uncertainty versus the trust that you were talking about, that things will…

Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. Makes sense… So how do you define success?

Self-fulfillment. I don’t define it by money. No, I never have. Success is something you achieve, I guess… So to achieve, or… It could be anything. I was actually thinking of the success of my uncle—one of my uncles. I was thinking that he’s so different with his kids than the way he was raised. And I see how my cousins are really grounded people. And I was like, you know, that’s success. Like, he changed the direction of some intergenerational… I don’t know if I would say trauma necessarily, but ways of relating to people. Yeah, he changed the direction with his kids. And… He’s got a great job, and he’s got lots of money and whatever, but that’s—to me—not the success part. It’s how he parents. Yeah.

Do you consider him a mentor? Like do you look up to him?

A little bit, yeah. A little bit… We’re not that close. I think that… I think spiritually, if one fulfills whatever purpose they’re here to do, that’s success. Overcoming something that’s difficult—that’s success. It’s not monetary. I know in our culture, it’s very materialistic. But to me, success is not about that.

Yeah, that makes sense. Who are some of your mentors, or people that you’ve looked up to?

I look up to Madonna! I really like her! I do! I think she’s such a trailblazer, and that she’s still going at 64. I like that about her. I look up to… Oh god, I’m just so tired right now. So many people. Basically, any… Okay. There’s this astronaut or mathematician in NASA, this black woman in the 50’s, and she was very instrumental. Katherine Johnson. You know, people who go against the status quo… Or surprise you. Or they do the unexpected, I guess, in a positive way. Yeah. So… I’m not articulating myself very well. (Laughs)

It’s okay. Yeah. What’s something you’ve learned about yourself, in the last few months to a year?

Hoh… I’m very, very sensitive. And I come across as… Confident. Which is true. But I’m still very sensitive. Yeah.

And you just realized that about yourself recently?

No, it’s not that I just realized. I don’t know what I JUST realized about myself… What I JUST realized… That I am perimenopausal. There you go! I just realized that! (Laughs)

Nice! (Laughs)

All right. I skipped my period for fifty days. And I was freaking out. I was like, totally going crazy. Then it came. And then it came regularly again. Yeah. What else… That I… I don’t know. There’s nothing I JUST realized about myself, to be honest.

Okay, no problem.

Nothing new. There’s nothing new. Maybe a continuation, but nothing new.

How do you feel about menopause? Does it freak you out?

Yeah. I’m gonna be honest, it does.

If you don’t mind sharing, what about it scares you?

Um… That… The loss of being fertile… Bothers me. The coming in to the end of my life. I know menopause is not—I’m only 49. But it’s a whole different… Yeah. I guess aging. All those hormonal, major changes. I… When I was especially a bit younger, when I would ovulate, I would feel this like, surge of energy. And I felt like, this power, like I could do whatever I want. I don’t know, it was like I was on a high or something. So I don’t know what menopause is gonna feel like, cause I’m not on menopause, right… Yeah. I guess I will just embrace it when it comes, but… I don’t know. Yeah.

I think what I discovered about myself is that I don’t like change, actually. I don’t like change. It’s something I need to work on. But menopause is… It’s a little scary for me. Yeah.

Yeah, it’s definitely not something we talk about as a culture. Did your mom ever talk to you about her experience?

Yeah! I talk to her about it all the time!

Oh! Oh, you do? Okay!

Mhm! It’s not pleasant, what she tells me. I don’t know if I want to repeat it, but… The analogies are stark! So… Yeah! Yeah… I’m not the best one to talk to about menopause, because I’m not in it, but… I have a fear of it.

Yeah, makes sense.

Yeah, I don’t know what else to say about it.

Yeah, no problem. What’s something you’re looking forward to?

I guess, doing more stuff with my kids. Maybe traveling a bit. Yeah, traveling…

Where’s a destination?

I want to see the Northern Lights, in Canada. I would really like to see them.

Yeah!

I haven’t planned it, but it’s something that I would like to see.

And where is that visible? Where can you do that?

I think the Northwest Territories. It’s far.

It is pretty far from where you are?

Absolutely. I’m in a city. A massive city. Toronto is a massive, metropolitan, crazy city. The Northern Lights, I think they’re in the Northwest Territories.

Okay. Do you travel with your kids? Are they of traveling age yet?

Oh yeah, I travel with them. I went without them to Brazil. And that was very hard for me. But I’ll tell you, after three days, though, I was fine! I didn’t have to… I had a break. It was amazing, to just… Live in my day without having to take care of somebody. I’m not disparaging being a mother or anything, but it’s very hard to always be taking… You’re always having to take care of someone else. Always. Always. Every decision you make is like… Based on, how is this going to affect my kid? Can I do this? Can I not do this? Blah, blah, blah. I mean I do, in my daily life… It’s rare, but I do go out, and I come back and 4 o’clock in the morning. I swear to God I do. I go out and I have a good time. I don’t care. Cause I feel like that’s really important. I’m not about staying home all the time. No, I probably go out once a week. Late. (Laughs)

I go to live music, I hang out with my friends. I see my friends a lot. I make a point of it. Yeah. I’m not gonna just wither away in my house. It’s not happening.

Yeah, that’s great!! I feel like that’s probably good for your kids too!

They don’t like when I’m gone! They get upset. “Where are you going?” I’m like, “You’re going to bed. What does it matter? I’ll be here when you wake up. Like, it doesn’t matter.” “No, Mommy, where are you going?” They think my personal life, like everything about me, is their business. Yeah. Like my son will look over my shoulder and read my text messages.

Ohh…!

Oh yeah! All the time… They think that the way they are my business, that I am their business. And it’s not that way. They can’t understand it. There are different roles. I don’t want to say it’s power differential, but it really is! But, for their benefit! You know? They don’t understand that I’m a full grown adult, where they can’t! (Laughs)

Yeah. I love that. (Laughs) So interesting. Yeah. Well, is there anything else you wanted to talk about that I didn’t ask?

No, not really! I just… For me, as I’m getting older, as the decades go on, I feel that I’m more open-minded, and I’m not as judgmental. I can see different perspectives. I’m calmer. So those are nice things! I’m not as fired up about everything that I used to be. Yeah. So that’s nice! (Laughs)

Yeah, just mellowed out a little bit.

Yeah, I’ve mellowed out a lot. Totally. Yeah.

Yeah! Well thank you so much for joining us!

Thank you!